


i wasn't thinking about you

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation Real Person Fiction, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 19:46:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5797447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The email happens. In fact, she is halfway into a bottle of wine with Soojung and it <i>might</i> be two in the morning.</i>
</p><p>Add chicken to the menu and Jessica will tell you that you're committing yourself to a lifetime of regret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i wasn't thinking about you

**Author's Note:**

> As always, this is for Kathleen who listens to me talk about this nonsense and stuff. In the middle of a blizzard, even.

The email happens. In fact, she is halfway into a bottle of wine with Soojung and it _might_ be two in the morning.

"Let's order chicken," her sister says, digging out the delivery menus in the kitchen. They're gathering dust again. This might be the first time in months that the two of them have been home at the same time. "I need something to regret alcohol with," Soojung adds.

Jessica waves and laughs, digging out her phone. There are too many messages to really care about for the moment. Somewhere between all of them, she's even promised herself a vacation.

"Fried chicken will do it," she agrees, and slides herself onto the kitchen counter. She curls her legs underneath her and then starts scrolling through the laundry list of proofs and emails, texts about work, texts about nothing, and, of course, their mom making sure that they're both alive.

Then, of course, there's this:

 

**Kim Taeyeon**   
Hi... it's me. I promise. Please read this first.

 

Jessica promptly turns her phone off. Her eyes narrow. She looks up at Soojung, watching her sister pace the kitchen with an obscene takeout order. She's not drunk. She might be a little tipsy and heavy handed with her exhaustion and lack of sleep. Tomorrow is a rare day off and then, of course, she starts another round of a grueling travel schedule.

But then she turns her phone again and stares at the notification again. Her mouth purses. Then she sighs. When Soojung ends her call, Jessica thrusts her phone forward.

"Read that," she says, sighing. Actually, she decides, it's completely rational to question the fact that she may be losing it a little bit. Jessica pushes her phone into her sister's hands. "Seriously," she says. "Tell me if I'm crazy."

"You're crazy, eonni." Soojung laughs when she almost hits her. She obeys though, taking the phone from her hand. It takes her a moment too. Then a sip of wine. "Why would she..." Soojung starts and finishes, then starts reading the actual email out loud. "Hi," she says, "I'm actually terrified to text you, blah blah blah. I thought it would be more professional to email you and actually use my company email blah weird blah right?" Soojung looks up, studying her. Her expression morphs into something serious. "Good thing I ordered chicken," she says dryly.

Jessica snorts and grabs the phone, turning it right off. She's not going to read it, she tells herself. If she does, she is going to start thinking about regret and phone calls and a lot of other things she'd rather just avoid for the night.

Soojung lets out a sigh of frustration. "Eonni," she emphasizes, her voice firm. "She wants you to work with you. I mean her." Soojung groans, rubbing her temples. "I so am going to regret all of this in the morning, you know."

Jessica can barely wrap her head around what her sister is trying to say. She throws her phone into her bag on the floor and decides, right now, denial is the best kind of thing to deal. And alcohol and chicken.

"She's such a grandma," she mutters too, before the actual statement registers in her brain.

Her sister humors her and laughs.

 

 

 

 

 

Morning bleeds into her bedroom almost a little too cruel, complete with bright skies, a hangover, and blankets twisted around her legs as if she barely slept the hour she promised herself as it is.

She gropes blindly for her phone, one hand cover her eyes and the other pulling at her sheets until she grabs it. She's not thinking. Her brain repeats that too: she is _not_ thinking. She may be in dire need of an intervention or a straightjacket, but that's not even the phone.

Her phone opens and the email is still there.

Jessica barely reads it before she hits a phone number and her call button. It takes a few minutes. She listens to Taeyeon's song carefully and thinks about things like lyrics and bridges, carefully wrapping her brain around the nuances that make her feel a little rusty even though she's already started to touch them again.

"Hello?"

"I didn't read it," Jessica greets. Her voice cracks with sleep. Her head throbs. "I finished a bottle and a half of red wine, ate some chicken, thought about going to Disney World instead."

Taeyeon lets out a startled laugh. "Chicken and wine?"

"Mmm." Jessica rubs her eyes. "Still better than you using an archaic method to contact me."

"You should read the email," Taeyeon murmurs. There is a change in the color of her voice; it floats in between shy and small, something that startles Jessica a little. It barely registers that this is the first time she's talked to the other woman in years, which is both painful and strange.

"I'd rather you tell me." She forces herself to sit up. There's a note tagged to the wall written in Soojung's handwriting. She's already left for the day. "Or do I need lawyers? Because it's Sunday and mine charge extra if I call them."

There's a pause. "Do you still write songs?"

Jessica freezes.

Life is really strange, she decides. It's a hazy thought. She kicks off the sheets from her legs and slides out of bed.

"Why," she asks carefully and she remembers, then, that her solo project is slowly coming together as are a lot more things. She's instantly on then, grabbing a pen from her vanity and spinning it between her fingers. Then she gets the logic behind the email. "What do you want from me?"

Taeyeon sighs. There's a rustle and it sounds like paper. There is whispering too and Jessica ignores it gracefully, walking to her closet and tossing closes on her bed. In a hat box, on the top of the shelves, there are five large notebooks filled to the brim with a lot of love, things that she swore she wouldn't touch again. Older and wiser, she thinks, apparently means a lot of things.

"I --" Taeyeon struggles. "Meet me for coffee?" she says, deciding. "I can't do this over the phone."

Jessica sighs. "You started this." She's frank and hates that she's curious. She glances at the clock on her night table. It's not even eight in the morning. She's not even properly hungover on her day off. "Fine," she manages. "Buy me coffee. Figure yourself out. And then I'll listen."

Taeyeon laughs. Like actually laughs. The sound is shy and uncomfortable, but strange to hear again. Her brain can't really process what's happening right now and what she's actually agreed too.

"Fine," she says. "I'll text you the address." 

It's been a long time. Jessica tries not to think about that.

 

 

 

 

 

The recording studio looks like a recording studio. Jessica cannot decide whether or not she has the energy to be angry, is kind of amused that she may have fallen for some sort of scheme, or is just genuinely curious what all of this is about.

Taeyeon is waiting for her outside, awkwardly holding onto two coffee cups with a pastry bag tucked underneath her arm. Jessica eyes her for a second before approaching, sliding her hands into the pockets of her jacket.

"Hi." Taeyeon starts first. Jessica starts somewhere in the middle. "Hi," she says too.

They both laugh awkwardly.

It takes her a second to take more of her in, from the brand new hair cut to the fact that she's wearing shorts and, of course, it may or may not be one of the coldest days in the city so far this winter. The other woman is shivering too and Jessica rolls her eyes, grabbing the coffee from her hand.

"You're an idiot for the shorts," she says.

Taeyeon shrugs. "I had a schedule." She lets Jessica push her inside. "And then I came straight here," she says.

Taeyeon hands her the pastry bag too. There's a danish of some sort sweating into the bottom of the bag. It's sweet, the pastry, but Jessica's stomach loops into nerves and uneasy. She hides it, sipping the coffee.

It takes her a minute, a legitimate minute, to come to terms with the idea that it's just going to be as simple as this. There are no accusations. There are no sharp pangs. She's hungover, sure, and it's weird feeling when they start to pass people in the studio, all looking at the two of them like this is exactly what they expected. Confusing, actually. Consider this too: Jessica has basically spent the last two years or so reminding people that she's a separate entity that, even though she used to sit in on meetings where company executives, lawyers too, would say "Jessica, well, she's the most well-rounded of them all! She can exist outside them!" which, thinking about it, was always the worst backhanded compliment ever. And yet, here she is, proving it anyway.

Taeyeon leads her to a small office, an empty office, with nothing more than a desk and a couple of fast food cups and instant coffee bags. She raises an eyebrow and Taeyeon shrugs, sitting and watching as she looks around despite herself.

"It's not exactly magazine ready," Taeyeon says dryly.

Jessica snorts. "It needs sunlight," she says. "And... you know. A candle."

Taeyeon laughs. "Stop."

They stare at each other. Taeyeon stays sitting, Jessica stays standing; she manages to put her coffee down and her bag next to it. She doesn't know what to do with her hands. She can probably guess where this conversation is leading. Neither of them are good at starting these things.

"Did you read the email?"

Jessica shrugs. "No," she says. She's honest. "Because if I did, I would have probably not be here. It's the first day off I've had in a really long time. And my head might explode."

"I didn't make you drink," Taeyeon retorts. Lightly, of course. She feels like she's checking out the air.

"No," Jessica agrees and doesn't blink. "But I thought about attaching you to that second bottle of wine. That would have been a terrible idea though."

"I appreciate it."

Jessica smirks.

They backtrack to silence again and Jessica moves to the window, her sigh pressing against the back of her teeth. She crosses her arms in front of her chest, looks out to the city and sees half of a wall and a bit of graffiti. She thinks it's ironic, shakes her head at herself, and ends up listening to Taeyeon stand.

She can feel the other woman behind her. Close enough to be careful.

"I don't have time to write like I used to," she admits finally. "It's a little harder to navigate, I guess."

"Understandable," Taeyeon agrees.

Jessica feels oddly vulnerable. Kind of on edge too. She turns, leaning against the window ledge.

"Why do you want to know?"

The anxiety grips her heart. She feels her expression change a little too, fight or flight, since she's not even in her own space. This is Taeyeon's corner and it feels more than just a little weird to be in. There's a sense of longing, something that Jessica hasn't faced in a really long time.

Taeyeon rubs her hands against her legs. She swallows and then looks down, as if she were trying to decide something. It makes Jessica even more uncomfortable.

"I," Taeyeon starts, then stops, then sighs too almost ready to panic. "I --" she laughs and shakes her head. "This is crazy," she mutters to herself and Jessica can only watch her helplessly, waiting. "Look, I just --" Then she blurts it out: "Write a song for me."

Jessica's ears are ringing loudly. She doesn't know what to do. Her hands sort of freeze. She's midway into a sigh, ready to say something dry and defensive and wish that they had met on neutral ground, elsewhere, to give her just as much of an edge. She definitely wasn't expecting this. She had no idea to expect this. Her mind is running everywhere with responses and answers, her eyes widening as she can see Taeyeon's expression remain unchanging.

She's earnest and Jessica can barely swallow.

"You want me to write a song for you," she manages, voice soft. Her hands drop to the ledge, curling. "Have you talked to the company at all?"

"Yes."

Jessica blinks. The business end of her brain isn't surprised; it's an opportunity and they're clearly investing in Taeyeon. Jessica may have been the sharper one and well-rounded, but Taeyeon makes money. A lot of money.

"I wanted to talk to you before we have any sort of official meetings," Taeyeon murmurs, looking away. "I didn't want it to come to you that way."

Jessica sighs and rubs at her temples. "I'm not even of the right mind to have this conversation," she replies. "This is a conversation that involves a tone of logistics and plans and -- I have my project to work on too, you know."

"I know," Taeyeon says quickly. "It'll be a great --"

She holds her hand up. "Yah," she says. Her voice is sharp. "Kim Taeyeon. Give me a _minute_."

She stands and makes a long leap to her coffee, practically downing it and feeling like the rug has still been swept from underneath her. Her heart is lodged somewhere in her throat. She feels panicked and hates that, hates that she feels reduced to something she's not.

She growls under her breath, rubbing her eyes. 

"You're insane," she says finally, and really, she tells herself, she hasn't even written anything for her own album yet. "I'll write you a song called Kim Taeyeon has actually lost it and this is why."

"Perfect," Taeyeon is dry. "Looking forward to it."

Jessica glares.

Everything is just too much to process. She doesn't know what she was expecting, in fact, she never thought about what exactly she should expect. It felt too natural to go and agree to something. But the logic that she's grown so accustomed to, especially with how now it's specifically engineered and injected into her life and choices, is nowhere to be found.

She forces herself to sigh. Then she starts to move around the room, cleaning up the mess of cups and things and tossing them into an empty shopping bag. She doesn't care that Taeyeon is watching her -- she's not even trying to stop her either.

"I haven't written anything in a really long time," she finds herself saying finally. The color of her voice changes and lightens. It's still a little shaky too. "And you want me to write you something. Like an actual something."

Taeyeon steps forward and grabs the bag from her hand. Her gaze is soft and Jessica's stomach is in too many knots.

"I can write the music," she says. "I'm really good at writing the music. But the one thing that I've never really been good at is lyrics." She taps her forehead. "It's a mess up there, you know."

Jessica snorts. Her hand claps over her throat and she tries to swallow.

This is crazy, she thinks. Nothing about this seems like it's going to go well.

So maybe, just maybe, it's out of habit. Maybe it's more like it's just business: a project is project and, if anything, the opportunity is mutually beneficial to her. There's a lot of guilt attached to this too; Jessica can barely organize it in her head. She thinks logically: it's been awhile for her, there's comfort to being in a studio, and maybe, in the end, this can actually be about mending bridges instead of setting them on fire.

"Fine," she says. "But we have to do this the right way."

The masks move into place. Jessica feels herself straighten and the hangover leaving her a little more.

Taeyeon's expression is bright. "Perfect," she says.

 

 

 

 

 

The first and only demo arrives via email which, if anything, is really annoying because she's in an airport and pulling her laptop out to download the audio file feels really stupid right now. There are a total of six people who know that this is a reality: Soojung, who holds her opinions to herself, Jessica's lawyer, Taeyeon, two SM lawyers, and Jessica's assistant who has been surviving as a go between. It's annoying and it gives Jessica another reason to hide behind the rest of the projects on her plate.

But the audio file is transferred onto her phone without any problems and Jessica plugs in her headphones once she finds her seat on the plane. She'll be in China for a week, back to Seoul for a few days, and then off to New York to meet with investors for two more weeks. A recording studio just lives in the back of her head for the moment.

On first listen, the song is sort of soft. If it's a ballad, it doesn't sound like a Taeyeon ballad. It sounds like Taeyeon is going through some sort of identity crisis which, she thinks, is appropriate, given that she's first of the girls that is standing outside the household name of Girls' Generation. On the second listen, Jessica is spinning a pen between her fingers. The flight attendant brings her a bottle of water and Jessica thinks that it's starting to sound like a love song to her.

She feels rusty and out of practice. The song feels a little young by the time she lands and pockets her phone, switching into CEO mode like it's some kind of super power.

But she thinks about it for the rest of the day, like actually thinks about it; she travels the city, meeting to meeting, and in between fabrics and sketches and checks, she starts scribbling a few lines into her phone because it seems like the only way she can go and protect things.

In her hotel room, she calls Kim Taeyeon, owner of this stupid song.

"It's a weird song," she says first.

Taeyeon laughs and sighs. "Hi," she greets too.

"I'm not saying it's a bad song," Jessica continues, ignoring her. "I'm saying it's unlike you. It's like you're having some kind of identity crisis and trying to work it out."

Taeyeon laughs again. "You're working on it already?"

Jessica rolls her eyes and drops into her bed. "I'm legally obligated to now," she says dryly. Then she's serious. "I've been listening to it in between meetings and appointments."

She hums a few bars too, eyes closed. It's just her in the room and the only light on comes from a lamp by the windows. The city is haunting her from the side, lights from the buildings and cars pressing into the windows and against the walls. She should really close the blinds, she thinks.

"Are you having an identity crisis?" she asks finally. It takes her a moment to process, but then, like always, she just owns it. "Is this weird that I'm writing lyrics for this song?"

"I feel like I am," Taeyeon admits. It's kind of rushed too. She's a little breathless and Jessica listens to a door closed. "Not really like an identity crisis though -- I don't know how to explain it. It's like I'm seeing things in my life for the first time, that, well, have always been there."

Taeyeon pauses and Jessica suddenly finds herself wishing that she could see her expression. She thinks to herself: this is the first time in, well, a really long time, even before she left the group, that they've had an honest conversation.

"It's a weird feeling," Jessica adds carefully. She pulls from herself answers that she didn't know she had. "But," she manages. "You already had a song in the fall about coming to terms with yourself."

"You heard it?" Taeyeon seems surprised.

Jessica sighs. "That's a dumb question," she says and will not admit to having Taeyeon's album, in entirety, on her phone too. "One," she adds, "that I'm not going to answer."

"Fair enough."

Jessica stands and moves to her desk. She grabs a few sheets of writing paper from the hotel booklet and a pen, sitting and scribbling a few things down.

"I just think that," she murmurs, "the song seems better suited to a love song."

Taeyeon is quiet, really quiet, to the point where all Jessica is listening to is her breathing. The pen in her hand is moving anyway as it is and there are words on the piece of paper that are forming a letter, not lyrics, which seems appropriate all the same.

"Love songs are more painful to write," Jessica manages.

Her throat feels a little tight.

There's nothing else to say.

 

 

 

 

 

Her assistant nearly loses it when Yuri shows up at her office. There's no warning, of course, and later, Jessica tells herself that she was expecting all of this to happen sooner or later, considering the way these last couple of weeks having going.

"Should I show her in?" her assistant asks, and Jessica, wrapping up a call, waves her away. She is bitting back all her nerves because it's Yuri and out of everything, all the things that have happened since _then_ , Yuri wouldn't come to see her unless she really wanted to.

A few minutes later, Jessica is watching her assistant lead Yuri in, all starry-eyed and with tea, guiding the other girl to the seat in front of her desk. Yuri is busy looking around; Jessica is really proud of her space. It's industrial, but full of clean lines and bright, white walls for light and sketches and samples and all the business that happens. When Yuri sits, Jessica is half-watching, forcing herself to focus on the call at hand, not knowing how to process the fact that the other woman is here.

When she hangs up, Yuri trains her gaze directly on her. Her eyes are wide and bright. She cups her coffee in between her two hands.

"So it's true," she says.

Jessica sighs. Her mind straightens out all the reasons to Yuri's visit almost instantly.

"I'm surprised I'm seeing you," she says and Yuri winces, ducking into her coffee. Jessica changes her tone of voice. "Not that it's not unwelcomed," she says gently. "Did she tell you?"

"No," Yuri says quickly. "She was on the phone. I overheard the conversation and then cornered her because, as per usual, none of us talk about anything ever so I kind of --" Yuri winces again and groans, rubbing her eyes. "I badgered it out of her."

Jessica laughs. "Sounds like you," she teases her gently.

Yuri's face changes and crumbles, as if she came to the offices ready to fight. Instead though, Jessica feels like she's looking at a little sister and finds herself sighing, standing and moving to the other side of the desk. She leans against the desk and ruffles Yuri's hair.

"It's good to see you," she says.

Yuri's eyes widen a little. "Seriously?"

"Well," Jessica manages. "What do you want me to say? Get out? I hate you? I'm legally bounded to an agreement I made with Taeyeon?"

"Erm, yes?"

Jessica rolls her eyes. "You're an idiot," she says. Her voice is warm and she tugs Yuri into a hug, laughing a little when she feels herself fold into the other woman instead of the other way around. "I'm sorry," she murmurs, "that everything happened the way it did. We have to get better about being friends though."

"Sisters," Yuri corrects, voice muffled in her hair. Jessica feels her fingers curl into her sweater. "I'm sorry," she says too. Her voice is smaller and it reminds Jessica of all those times in the dorm, when they were younger, when they were a thousand more times terrified to make mistakes and be human, to be kinder to themselves. 

"Don't be," she says. "Just buy me lunch."

Because it's been nine years and they haven't stopped thinking with their stomachs. It feels a little old, a little new, a little blue as they link arms and manage to agree to have lunch in the conference room, the two of them spilling over old and new secrets. They don't talk about Jessica writing again. They laugh instead and it's kind of nice, actually, it's more than just _nice_ but that's all Jessica can afford to give herself at the moment.

Later, she'll tuck a note into Yuri's bag and address it to Taeyeon.

She started the song.

(And finished it too.)

 

 

 

 

 

But it's kind of weird, thinking about it, that she's signed over some things to someone who she hasn't spoken to in a long time, but has missed just as desperately and is only beginning to admit it now.

She invites Taeyeon to her place, not to talk about the song but to talk because it seems to be the most rational thing to do outside of killing her or kissing her, another thing that she hasn't thought about in a really long time.

Taeyeon brings wine and cheeseburgers. Shows up to her front door with the greasy bag and a wet coat too.

"At least you're not wearing shorts," she says, brushing off the snow from her jacket and then grabbing the food and wine.

"For you," Taeyeon retorts, "I decided to wear pants and brave the weather."

Jessica rolls her eyes.

She feels a little better about having this conversation in her own space, like her actual own space, because it's two o'clock in the morning and they can sneak around the latest dating scandal of so and so without blinking since everyone thinks they hate each other. She tasks Taeyeon with wine still, spreading out the food and stealing french fries from Tayeon's plate.

"You haven't said anything about the song," she says finally. Taeyeon hands her a glass of wine. "I guess I'm worried."

Taeyeon swallows. "You don't hold back," she says.

Jessica shrugs. "I think I've earned that, at least." Her lips curl and she shakes her head. "I'm not mad," she amends. "I'm just curious."

Taeyeon is quiet. Actually, Taeyeon is really quiet -- enough so that Jessica begins to worry, grabbing her cheeseburger and beginning to pick it apart.

"It's beautiful," she says simply, after awhile, and Jessica hadn't realized that she was holding her breath, like actually holding her breath until Taeyeon goes and says the words. 

She's about to protest, about to say something to defuse the situation and her feelings, when Taeyeon starts to hum the melody, and then, then, starts weaving bits and pieces of the song together.

"I like," she adds, singing softly, "this isn't forever, but maybe I'll see you soon."

Her head is spinning and maybe, maybe it wasn't a good idea to have this conversation in the middle of her apartment, over burgers and wine because she's an idiot and has never forgotten the fact that Taeyeon is, as always, unequivocally honest to a fault.

Jessica rubs her eyes, is sort of puzzled by her reaction because she feels like crying, sort of, or that she's delayed. She spent so much time in the beginning being angry and now, here, not being angry seems to be equally as confusing.

"Good," she manages.

Taeyeon swallows. "Is it a love song then?"

And then, there, the world of sixteen and seventeen and eighteen come to pass, trainees and growing up, secret desires and almost kisses, rises too. Her feelings are there, bright and hopeful and right in front of her. Long story: she hasn't thought about Taeyeon like this in a really long time. The even longer story? She hasn't really stopped.

"Yes." Jessica can't remember the sound of her own voice. It's puzzling. She feels like she's left her own body. "I told you. I wrote the words to suit the song."

"You did," Taeyeon agrees.

Her head spins with Taeyeon's voice, singing that line over and over again. The other woman reaches across the small table that they've made their dinner sit down at. Jessica wishes that it wasn't freezing and that they could be outside, at the very least, with air to spare and to breathe.

"Let's eat," she says instead.

She's terrified, she realizes later.

She makes changes to the song and sends another email. _Try this instead_ , she texts Taeyeon.

It's not perfect, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri shows up for lunch around noon, since it's becoming a standard date and Yuri, being Yuri, is trying to convince Jessica to dress her for a blind date.

Jessica hands her envelope first.

"Give this to Taeyeon," she says. Her expression is serious. "And if you lose it, I'll kill you. Which would make me really sad."

Yuri scoffs. "You can't kill me. I'm giving you free publicity with this dress."

Jessica waves a hand, rolling eyes. She watches as the other woman bounds off and changes behind a screen.

"You know," she calls, "you can have a conversation like normal people do. On the phone. Via email. There's this thing called texting. I heard it's really great."

Jessica laughs. "First, mind your business." She rubs her eyes and thinks about the envelope that she handed to Yuri. She spots it tucked into a pair of boots by the changing screen, shaking her head. "Second," she says. "Don't lose the envelope."

"You guys are so weird," Yuri counters and emerges from behind the screen in the dress. It's perfect of course and Jessica is already halfway into grabbing accessories, moving to Yuri to dress her. "I swear, if you wanted to talk about what happened, you need to talk about what happened. And then date."

Jessica rolls her eyes, biting back a nervous flush. Somewhere in the mess of what her friend says is the truth, but it's always just a little more complicated than that.

They've never had the relationship that they've been able to just talk. Secretly, the song writing feels a lot like just talking. Slightly romantic. Easier to avoid feelings. And maybe, she thinks, a lot more than just feelings. But it's what works for the two of them.

"She misses you," Yuri adds, gently too. She cups Jessica's face and smiles, really smiles, because it's just the two of them. "This is probably the best way she knows how to tell you. That, and you know, other stuff."

Jessica snorts and lightly smacks her hands away.

"Just give her the paper," she repeats.

This is nothing new.

 

 

 

 

The recording studio at night is completely different. Taeyeon buys candles, makes Jessica go with her too, the two of them somewhere between teenagers and idiotic as they try and hide under hoods and giant sunglasses. Weirdly enough, it works for them. It may just be blind luck.

But she sits alone on a counter space, Taeyeon in the booth and a producer in the chair in front of her, watching Taeyeon working through a different song. There's something completely organic about her process, surprisingly messy and natural, but Taeyeon all the same. Jessica allows herself the moment still, takes her in and appreciates that she's starting to just let herself breathe.

"I need a cigarette," the producer cuts in, and Taeyeon flashes an okay in the booth, waving him off. 

They're left alone then, Taeyeon meeting her gaze through the glass and then coming out to talk to Jessica.

"Sorry about Yuri," she says finally, and she's not, and they both know that she's not. "Again," she adds, amused because they never really talked about Yuri showing up the first time. Her mouth starts to curl and Jessica shakes her head. "And thanks for the note," Taeyeon says too.

"They were lyrics."

Taeyeon raises an eyebrow. "A complete round of them," she pushes back.

"I was inspired," she retorts. Taeyeon comes closer, dropping her hands against her legs. Jessica doesn't push her away. "There's a lot going on in my head, you know."

"I know." Taeyeon's fingers spread against her knees, pushing into her jeans. "You're like a giant cinnamon roll of secrets."

Jessica bursts out laughing. "A cinnamon roll?"

"Uh-huh." And Taeyeon gets this look on her face, like she's about to do something stupid, but is in the middle of trying to decide if doing something stupid is the best course of action for her. She flushed too, flustered even. "It's your worst kept secret," she says.

Jessica brushes at her bangs. She doesn't touch Taeyeon, but she feels a little like the butterflies are sinking back into her belly again, spreading around and waiting for her to say something.

"You got me," she says dryly. Her hands rise. "My secret's out."

Taeyeon's eyes are bright. Her smile fades into seriousness and Jessica feels herself twist and curl into discomfort. She feels painfully exposed and it's really too fast, too soon for her to go and put her boundaries up.

"I'll keep telling you: it's a beautiful song, Sooyeon-ah," and it's about three thousand times worse when Taeyeon goes and says her name like _that_ , her voice low and breathless. "I thought you said you were out of practice."

Jessica squirms. "I am," she says mildly, looking away. There's a lump in her throat. "But I'm --"

"You made a commitment," Taeyeon says. "I get it," she says too. Then she seems to decide something. "But you could have said no."

Jessica stays silent. Not because she doesn't have anything to say. She's careful for a moment, then looks over Taeyeon's shoulder to the pile of notes and notebooks in the recording booth.

"I didn't even have to think about it," she begins, only half aware that she's just made some sort of confession. "Saying yes," she clarifies. "For whatever reason, not thinking about it and saying yes to you felt like the most natural thing in the world."

Jessica turns her gaze to Taeyeon. She meets her gaze, holds it, and then reaches out, brushing her fingers against Taeyeon's face. She tucks some hair behind her ear and then sighs a little.

"And then when I sat down and listened to your song without meaning to listen to it and do anything, the words kind of happened that way too."

The words are there too, of course, and Jessica very nearly starts to sing the song she's written for this. It was her one clause: she'll write the song, get a credit, but it was going to be Taeyeon's song, Taeyeon's voice, and nothing more beyond that. But she's sitting here, staring at Taeyeon like she's seeing every choice in her life that she's made, wrapping themselves around her throat and trying, struggling to pull.

"I have a lot of regret," Taeyeon says, but her voice shifts and it feels like all of the sudden, she's starting to sing the song. Her voice trembles a little too. "I have a lot of regret," she repeats and her voice shifts into a breath of high notes, "and it's not about how I've lived my life, it's about how I've lived my life without you."

Jessica's eyes are burning and there's no room to look away because, if anything, the most exposed she's ever been is when she cries, right there, right in front of people she knows. But she hears it: words, pitches, tones, and melodies.

"I never had a chance that last time," Taeyeon finishes and her voice evens, "and maybe if I did, I would have kissed you --"

"Stop," Jessica murmurs. Her lips purse. She bites the inside of her cheek. "Please."

"To make sure," Taeyeon sings. "To make sure that you knew that I was mad, that I was jealous, that I was a lot of things... but I was never saying goodbye."

It's like everything explodes at once and Jessica's legs swing out, curling around Taeyeon's waist, pulling herself against her and trapping her. Her mouth happens next and she pushes it over Taeyeon's, swallowing the next verse before she can start singing again because she can't, she won't hear it, not when it's like this, not when she's not ready too.

Everything seems to crash that way and Taeyeon's mouth is just as fierce, maybe even desperate she kisses her back. Jessica sinks her teeth into her lip and there's a tongue in her mouth, sliding under it and she sort of, kind of moans because _oh my god_. Taeyeon's mouth feels sharp and soft and makes Jessica ache in away that terrifies her. The other woman's hand sinks into her hair and pulls, dragging her mouth back and then burying it against the curve of her throat.

They're both breathing heavily. Jessica's eyes are closed tightly. Taeyeon's mouth feels hot and wet and slick against her skin.

"This isn't how I wanted to do this." Taeyeon's voice is small. Her hand curls over Jessica's hip. "I wanted to see you as quiet and as normal as possible. I have a million things I want to say, but nothing's coming out."

Jessica can only laugh. The sound shakes and her legs relax around Taeyeon's waist, dropping to dangle about the counter.

"Buy flowers next time," she says. "Or dinner. I like food."

Taeyeon snorts, pulling back to look at her. Her gaze is sort of glassy, her lips bruised and flushed, and it's probably the most beautiful thing Jessica's ever seen, but her brain can only handle so much. 

"I'm not good at this." Taeyeon's soft, shy. She laughs a little too. "I'm only good at singing songs."

Jessica shakes her head and slides off the counter. Her hands are trembling and the producer picks this time to come back from his cigarette break. It hits the air of the studio and Taeyeon isn't looking away, waiting for her to say something.

"You ready?" the producer asks.

Taeyeon hesitates and Jessica sighs, shaking her head again. She bites at a smile and touches her mouth.

"Go," she says. She leans against the counter again. "I'm not going anywhere."

Taeyeon stares at her. There's no silence; the producer is shifting around his chair, pulling up the next song to work and maybe, maybe it wasn't a good idea. You're already in this, she tells herself. You've never regretted your choices.

"Are you sure?" Taeyeon asks and she's halfway into the booth, holding onto the door.

It seems to be a question about a lot of different things and Jessica doesn't think that she can handle being even more introspective than she already is. She feels like she's all sharp edges all of the sudden, tired more than ever, but it's like everything has decided to be a little brighter without warning.

"I'm sure," she says, and it's a promise.

Jessica keeps her promises.

 

 

 

 

 

It's not exactly a scandal when the news break because, well, it's the KPOP industry and as much as you can try and convince yourself that you'll be able to keep everything under wraps, the news is going to break. She's in the middle of a photo shoot when the calls come, then followed by text messages (A company executive calls _and_ text and patronizingly says: "This a brilliant move." And she tries to remember to fire him too.) and, of course, SM's stocks are through the roof.

"It's like you're secretly dating," Soojung says to her via voicemail. "Consider me jealous or something."

Yuri's voicemail is a little more, well, _Yuri_ and Jessica can only laugh listening to it while the stylist is trying to fix her curls. " -- can I claim royalties? Because if I can, I want ten percent."

There's a lot on the Internet about her songwriting capabilities (speculation) and Taeyeon's ability to stand by herself. Some people say that this is a message to SM. Most people don't know that Taeyeon's tongue was down her throat a couple of nights ago and they still haven't talked about it quite yet.

But the magazine that she's shooting for takes the opportunity to ask her. She doesn't blame them. In fact, she sees it more on the angle of not being surprised that they're going to capitalize on the moment too.

So she's there, covered in lace and glitter and dark, smoky eyes feeling nothing like herself because that answer, in itself, is for someone entirely different.

"This doesn't mean that I'm going back," she tells the article writer firmly. "But," she manages and her expression softens, much to the dismay of her photographer, "Taeyeon asked me and I did it because she asked me. That's the important thing."

In a couple of days, the song is going to be number one. It's by no means perfect and in fact, she will say to a number of people that the lead off track should have been something different.

But in the middle of this, Taeyeon sends her a text, a series of :) :) :) and _should I buy chicken with the wine?_ and life goes on, as it should and as it will. It feels like it should, she thinks, and says yes back to chicken, wine, and a brand new hangover. It's not even about regret.

It's just when she finally has a minute to herself, later, she honestly laughs, staring at herself in one of the mirrors, feels a little ridiculous, and thinks: _this was fun_. For a start.


End file.
